At my last prenatal visit I plucked this book off the shelf of my midwives' library. Initially I was drawn in by the title, as well as the birth stories I came across upon scanning the contents of its pages (I
love reading birth stories and can't get enough of them.) However, upon a deeper reading, I discovered that this book contains such a plethora of information, wisdom, and woman-to-woman intuition that I thought I'd pass it along to all of my mommy-to-be friends. Dr. Sarah J Buckley speaks with the authority of a doctor and mother to her own four children born naturally at home, and covers topics from normal, undisturbed birth to homebirth, attachment parenting, extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, the spiritual journey of labor and birth, and gentle discipline. I really connected with much of what she had to say on a spiritual level. Here is a synopsis of some of my favorite quotes from the book:
First off, she acknowledges the importance of experiencing a natural birth by saying that "a woman who has given birth under her
own steam gains an immense sense of
personal accomplishment... (feeling that) '
if I can do this, I can do anything.'" Buckley believes that "these feelings are a part of our
evolutionary blueprint for birth, giving a new mother the
confidence that she needs to
care for her baby" (68.) This is something that, since first giving birth naturally at age 18, I have instinctively known but have never been able to express quite as eloquently as Buckley has.
She takes the definition of natural birth one step further when she introduces and advocates for homebirth. Contrary to the belief that homebirthers are often poor, uneducated, and/or living in third-world countries, Dr. Buckley states that "Women who choose homebirth tend to be older and
better educated than the general population and include many health professionals... homebirthers are generally
trusting of their bodies and of the
natural processes of birth, and tend to be
self-reliant and
self-responsible in other aspects of their lives. The experience of giving birth in one's own time, in one's own space, also reinforces these attitudes, giving the new mother a
solid confidence in her abilities and those of her baby, and laying a firm foundation for pleasurable mothering" (231.) And don't forget the benefits of a homebirth for the father; for after the birth, it's the father who stays while the midwives go home, not the other way around.
Perhaps the passage that most struck me on a spiritual level was Buckley's acknowledgement that homebirth is a sacred event. "Homebirth ensures that these
sacred events (menstruation, conception, pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding) stay within our own space, keeping the circle
whole and inviolate. Homebirth can
bless our homes and our families many times over, creating a
wondrous atmosphere in the early weeks and months, and giving us memories and experiences that can sustain us- mothers, babies, fathers, and children- for a lifetime" (236.) It just makes sense that our babies are conceived at home, grown at home, then birthed at home. I know that when I experienced my first homebirth with my third child, Noah, the thought that came to my husband and I was that this was the way God intended women to have their children. There was no denying the sacredness of the event and the spirit that permeated our home those first few days and weeks.
Changing paces, she talks about her experiences with yoga and birth, and how yoga helped her to prepare for the birth journey. She says, "For me, birth is a time of
spiritual teaching and awakening, and yoga has been a great ally in this process. Yoga has given me an inner space and an outer practice, as well as a taste of the
bliss that is possible when I fully
surrender to the elemental (and
unpredictable)
forces of labor and birth... Like yoga, birth is about getting out of the way... (and) as with any spiritual path, the more
awareness we bring, the more we reap from our experiences" (287.)
Buckley concludes with a section on gentle discipline. For me, it is always a challenge realizing that this tiny little miracle of a baby is going to grow up and require some
discipline. It's a sad but unavoidable reality. While it is hard to break away from, I have learned that it is
impossible to hold onto that
bliss and innocence that accompany the birth of a new baby, and to be the "Perfect Mother" I aspire to and commit myself to be. Rough times are sure to lie ahead. Buckley sums this up well when she says, "My version of 'The Perfect Mother' involved fulfilling all of my child's needs (often ignoring my own,) and never saying 'No.' The attachment parenting that I did with Emma was wonderful, and involved a lot of devotion, but I was in real danger of being an unselfish and
emotionally unreal mother with a selfish, spoiled child" (300.) Her solution to this is to be a "
self-centered parent," which ultimately means taking care of ourselves first so that we can better take care of our children. Nobody wants a martyr. She says "self-centerdness saves us from the resentment that can come when we over-stretch ourselves in fulfilling our children's needs," (
RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU'VE BEEN THERE!) which is not uncommon for attachment parents (301.)
This passage really helped me to realize that by taking care of myself and tending to my own needs, not only am I
not being selfish, I am actually doing my children a favor by making sure they have a full well to draw upon.
In summary, there is so much good information in this book that I recommend every new or expecting mommy has a copy on her shelf. I thought of so many of my mother friends, from the one who had her first natural birth with her fifth child, to the one who is about to experience her first birth and homebirth, to the one who introduced me to homebirth and who is about to have her fourth, to the ones who aspire to homebirth, that I really felt connected to them all. As I've said before, the births of my children have been the most sacred events in my life, and birthing at home has been the epitome of that spiritual experience. I wish you all luck and can't wait to hear some more birth stories! Good luck and God bless.
