So many times since my birth I've heard, "I know you really didn't want to have a c-section..." I realize I have portrayed myself hugely as a natural birth advocate, which I am, and wonder why I don't find myself disappointed. In pondering this thought, I have come up with a few things I would like to share. I know many women suffer from "birth trauma," including but not limited to those who have required a cesarean section, taken medication when they planned to go without, had a longer than anticipated labor or duration of pushing stage, intervention, and a host of other unforseen events in their labors and births. Sometimes these women require post-birth counseling and "unpacking" of the events leading up to their birth in order to process what happened and move forward in life. Some mothers feel that their birth trauma or unfulfilled expectation inhibits their ability to be a good parent or bond with their child. I feel for these women, I truly do. I do not doubt for one minute that holding onto something in the past and being unable to process it can keep us from moving forward. These women deserve to be freed. However, in light of my recent c-section, I did not find myself one of them, and I would like to share why.
There are only two things I can think of that would cause me to have birth regret, and they are (1) if I did not feel I was making an informed decision, and (2) if I felt something was being taken from me. Fortunately none of the former applied to my situation. I would like to take that in how it applies to moving forward. As difficult as an experience may be, as unfulfilled as our expectations may seem, and as different a path we may take, I would like to suggest every woman put faith in the fact that which ever way her birth went, it happened for a reason. The reason why I have been able to have 8 very different births and no regrets is because I look at each one as a learning opportunity. From my first time giving birth at age 18 with every intervention imaginable imposed upon my "natural" hospital birth, I have been able to draw from it and move forward, applying lessons learned to my next birth. In Lionel's birth, I followed my instincts. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that that little boy needed to come by c-section and I knew it with the very first contraction after his brother was out. I am grateful for instincts that scream at me, "Something is not right," and that I was able to heed and respond. As women, we should all be grateful for our instincts. They are God-given. Listen to them, they are there for a reason (I will also use this to put in a plug for un-medicated birth insomuch that we are able to be in-tune with our bodies.)
There is wisdom in the Universe, and there is wisdom in the timing, particularly when it comes to labor and birth. Rarely do I see an induced birth that goes better, or is better for baby, than a labor that is left to begin on its own. Always trust in the timing and your body's innate knowledge. Your body knows best, and babies do come out! Often times it is just a few extra days or weeks that are needed. Allow it.
I don't know that my body will ever be the same as it was before. The recovery is totally different, and despite all the weight loss my abdomen continues to remain somewhat misshapen. I don't know how I will be okay with that, but I know I will. It's vanity that gets in the way. If I look at it solely as a stomach that yearns to be flat, I will probably feel remorse. However, if I remember to view it as the portal which brought Liam and Lionel here safely, with just a little more droop on the left to accommodate Liam in all of his 8lbs. 2oz., I will admire it with more respect. My body tells a story, their story.
Like all of us, I have faith that my experience will be sanctified for the greater good. I am changed, my outlook is changed, and I believe with all my heart that this experience will serve not only myself but other women for good. I am grateful that in an area where I was once naive, I have gained compassion. The Lord knew that before I was to be sent off into the world as a birth professional I would need this experience to draw me through the refiner's fire. Let it refine me. If we humble ourselves and keep a soft heart I believe all of us can find the sacred in our trials.
So, I will not hide it. I will not belt it, band it, girdle it, compress it, and I will not regret it. I will show it and be grateful. Grateful that there are two little boys here and I was their guardian angel.
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