I remember singing these words to a song back in 5th grade. While I enjoyed them then, I never quite understood their meaning until now.
Fastforward eighteen years and 4 1/2 kids later.
More specifically, let's focus on today. Do you ever have the feeling of being defeated in every one of your endeavors? It seems like there is never enough energy in the day. Maybe it's just the pregnancy, or my kids, or the homeschooling, or the housework that leaves me feeling like I am shoveling snow in the middle of a storm... could be a number of things. All I know is that every day I set out to accomplish x, y, and z, but my energy runs out before the day does. I then have two options: plunge through the lull, despite my body's every facet telling me not to, or listen to my body's signals to rest and slow down. The former usually results in feelings of resentment towards the task at hand, followed by residual grumpiness, while the latter leaves me with missions UNaccomplished and the inevitable feeling of defeat.
I am NOT trying to be negative. This is not murmuring. I just know that there are many a mothers in my situation who feel the same way, and my question is, what's up?
It hasn't always been this way. I've had high times in my life where I feel like I am able to accomplish everything with energy to spare. What's changed? I am trapped between the paradox of heeding my body's call for rest and fulfilling all that is required of me as a wife, mother, teacher, homemaker.
I know that perspective plays a major role in the way I feel. I once heard that almost all of our problems in life can be compared to a pebble: when held directly in front of the eye, a pebble can seem enormous and overwhelming, entirely obstructing our view of the path before us. However, when that pebble is taken and tossed behind us, it can be seen for the miniscule piece of rock that it is.
This too shall pass.
Deep down, I feel that my lack of energy is due to the pregnancy and it will return one day. On a spiritual level, I also feel that I am meant to slow down at this time in life in preparation for the new baby and becoming a mother again. Sometimes (most times) we don't realize the purpose for our trials until we are able to look at them in hindsight. All I know is that it is difficult to adjust to not being able to have it all: exercise, a clean house, happy, healthy, and well-educated kids, and energy to spare. In the mean time, I am learning to be happy with the little things. I may not be able to buzz through and clean the whole house in one fail swoop, but I can be really happy with a clean kitchen, or a clean bedroom (which I dedicate as my sanctuary,) or on some days even just a batch of fresh-baked cookies. I am learning to choose quality over quantity, and as much as I hate to admit it, that does contribute to a feeling of peace. After all, to recite the oft-quoted phrase: "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
That's all for now. I hope I didn't bring anyone down too much. As for me, I'm off to go choose my battle...
I think you've about said it all, I don't have much to add, except that you aren't alone, and remember to rejoice in even the smallest accomplishments on the hard days:-)
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