Postpartum or Something Like It

So I hem-hawed around for the title of this post. Several thoughts ran through my mind, like "Not the Martyr Mom," "Taking a Real Sabbath," (to explain my absence from church today,) or "Dropping the Ball" (because I want to give up.) However, after much deliberation I have decided that what I am experiencing in terms of mental, spiritual, and emotional turmoil can be wrapped neatly into the package of postpartum something-rather, so that is what I am calling it.

On a happier note, Naomi lent us the use of her co-sleeper. I am anxious to see how it will work out. Ironically enough I spent the better part of yesterday setting it up, then didn't use it! Anthony slept right at my side last night, where he always is, nursing himself into oblivion. I'll be interested to see if he sleeps better or is more restless in the co-sleeper. Being that we do not have a crib for him, we don't really have any other options. I told Anthony that out of six kids he's lucky to get the spot next to Mama's bed. Thank you Naomi!
I was thinking I should get a mobile to attach to the side. He sure was content in there today while I folded laundry, and it would be nice for him to have something to look at.
I ended the day with an evening walk. This was Anthony's first time in the jogger stroller. I debated jogging, but thought I'd save that for when I can go alone. He started out happy...
... then fussed a little bit mid-walk. I knew if I kept walking he'd fall asleep, which he did.
I decided to stay home today and take a "true" Sabbath while Forrest took all of the kids (except Anthony) to church. Let's be honest, there is nothing restful about Sundays for a mother of six, and if my husband is going to be gone six days a week from sun up until sun down I am going to take a break when I can get it. Something has to give. I know this time is fleeting, and my struggles are but for a moment, but I still have to get through my day-to-day. So far I'm not doing so well. I feel worse off now than when I first had Anthony, and the thought occurred to me today that technically I am not even postpartum anymore- he's three months old! I feel like I am experiencing a backlash effect that began when Forrest took on crazy work hours and we started homeschooling.

In talking to friends, I have received advice across the board- keep running, stop running, put the kids back in school, focus on homeschool, clean the house, let the house go... it's all relative. I feel like every day I try something different, and nothing ever works for too long. It's kind of like the first trimester of pregnancy when one food will taste good for a while until you can't stomach it anymore and you have to switch things up. Or perhaps I should compare this time to transition in labor- when you think you can't take anymore and you want to quit and get off the bed? If I were a runner, I would be sprinting and burning out. I need to find my marathon pace, something I can maintain for a while.

Well-meaning people (my husband included) have suggested I just "let things go" and focus on the kids. But to be honest, I'm just not happy like that; less stressed maybe for a time, but not happy. I have to maintain certain things- exercise, a clean house, alone time- or we all suffer. After all, ain't Mama happy, ain't nobody happy!

After a failed attempt at an over-zealous list of to-dos yesterday with six kids in tow that ended in me throwing a block of cheese across the living room (embarrassing, but true) and running away to my mom's house to vent and take a nap, I've decided that something has to change. I can't keep hiding in corners of my house to cry. I love my kids, I asked for all of them, but don't ever let anyone tell you they are not a mound of work. I hope I never portray that facade.

I am grateful, but I am exhausted.

Here's to change.