18 weeks

We'll, I'll be 18 weeks tomorrow and I can't believe how fast this pregnancy is progressing (you'd think I'd be used to it by now as each one goes faster, but it's still a shock.) What's even crazier to fathom is that in five months Rachel will be a big sister. I know that I don't fully realize the reality of this yet, but I find myself already mourning the loss of her infancy. I definitely feel inclined to take the extra time to be in the moment when I am feeding her a bottle or getting her dressed in the morning, as I know that once baby comes I will no longer have that time to devote to her solely. I see myself delegating these tasks out to others, like Forrest and Ashlee, and fear that during this time she will grow up too fast.

There is a definite tangible shift in the family dynamics whenever a new baby comes into the picture, one that I always seem to have a difficult time adapting to. I think back to the time of Ashlee's birth, and the distance I felt from Forrest with another person between us. Most recently, I vividly remember the two nights prior to Rachel's birth, and the longing I had for one more day with just my four children.

On that note, I always knew I wanted six children, and I look forward to the feeling of completion that will soon come. It was a choice to have these last two close together, I wouldn't have it any other way, and I very much look forward to having two babies for a while. I hear wonderful things from people who have had children this far apart. I know it will be a challenge, but since when do I ever shy away from that? I credit all of my growth as a mother to the challenges I have gone through with and for my children.

On a physical level, I don't really feel pregnant. I haven't really gained any weight (we'll, maybe 2 pounds) and while I know I look obviously pregnant to others (because they've commented,) my tummy has not gotten big enough to be in the way yet, so I just kind of ignore it. All of my regular clothes still fit, so I don't even have the benefit of wearing anything different. What I am starting to notice and love are the little flutter kicks. I don't feel them very often, maybe once a day, but it's become routine that when I sit down at the dinner table, he starts jumping around. I can already tell we're going to be competing for eating time!

I find myself wracking my brain for anything that I may wish I had done during a last pregnancy and birth. Do I want a belly cast? One last maternity photo shoot? I've recently read up on and developed an interest in unassisted birth. Will I regret not having one? I've never not had another pregnancy to look forward to, so I want to make sure I get it all out of my system.

The other exciting thing is that now I get to start making my five-year plan. In five years all of my children will be school-aged, and I will have two baby-sitters and one driver. This means a whole new chapter of life for me, including the pursuing of a much-anticipated goal that I have been putting off. Always having been a goal-oriented person, it was difficult for me to set everything down and raise my kids, but I have been glad that I did. I am so thankful that my life path took a detour and I was able to discover my worth as a mother while my kids were still little. Had I not found the church (or rather, had it not found me,) I would not have the children I have today nor my lot in life. I thank God every day for it.

So here's to 18 weeks down and 22 to go. I'll post a picture at the half-way point. Until then, if anyone thinks of any dire need during a last pregnancy, would you please let me know? There's no way I'd talk Forrest into another one...