Square One

Last week Forrest and I decided to take the kids back to square one. It's not that they aren't great kids, because they are, but their behavior has been less than so, and we both feel like we are running into the same problems week after week. So, our decision was to take away all of their material "extras" and create an initiative system for them to earn their items back one by one.

I happened to have a magnetic whiteboard chore chart that I had been holding on to for quite some time, and this was the perfect opportunity to put it to use. Each child has his or her own colored star, and for every day of the week that they complete their responsibilities they are able to keep their stars. There are corresponding rewards for 1, 2, and 3 weeks worth of stars, relating to earning their items and privileges back.

I knew that if I wanted to see a change in my family, I would have to be the agent of that change. Our kids are excellent mirrors of ourselves, but the hard part is looking within and making the needed change. How often do we raise our voices above our children's to break up an argument, then discipline them for screaming at each other? How often do we interrupt them to tell them our demands, then expect them not to do the same to us? How often is our attention divided throughout the day, when we expect attentive listening and obedience on their part?

It was a common complaint of mine that the kids just weren't listening, which led to my getting angry and acting out in regrettable ways. I was tired of feeling the contention, and I knew there was a better way. I had to ask myself, "How attentively do I listen to them?"

I always think of the scripture "a soft answer turneth away wrath," and I've always believed that a child will behave only as well as you treat them. True listening takes effort. It requires that we slow down, sometimes stop what we are doing all together, make eye contact, disengage our brains from the task at hand and turn our attention to our child, then respond with a sincere answer. However, this one act has been pivotal in bringing about better behavior in my children. When I do this, the whole spirit in the home changes. I find myself calmer, the anxiety dissipating, and with children who whine less, fight less, yell less, and listen better.

I try to resist the temptation to resort to "because-I-said-so" tyrant parenting, and instead model the behavior I want my children to emulate. I have felt strongly impressed before by the notion that children obey us because they love us. We do not need to resort to excessive means to exert our authority; we already have it. Children want to be led, which is why they come to us impressionable. I have also heard it said that little problems turn into big problems as a child grows, so I know how important it is to gain my children's trust, respect, and obedience early on.

True discipline requires a lot from the parent, and taking away my kids' every means for entertainment has not been easy; but I can say that I began seeing remarkable changes from day 1. We also feel it is much easier to tackle the root of these issues without all the distraction toys, computers, video games and the like present. These are not, after all, needs, but rather privileges. I have also had to re-tailor my priorities to make sure I am putting the most important things first, and not letting myself get distracted.

I love my kids more than life itself, they are the reason why I am here at this stage in my life right now, and I look forward to all I have to learn from them. They are the reason why I am the person and mother I am today. I do have to be honest and say that I hope they earn their privileges back sooner than later, but I will be patient and I will persevere. We are in this together. If we are able to drive out contention with the light of patience, deliberateness, conscientiousness, listening and understanding, then I will consider it a battle won. You didn't really think it was about the stars, did you?