Wisdom in the Timing

So I was asked tonight: if I were to reach deep down inside, what would I need to bring these babies here? As I learned with Anthony's birth  there is wisdom in the timing, yet I feel myself sinking into a struggle on certain days.  I never should've set myself up for that 37 week mark; then I wouldn't be feeling this way.  Dang obstetrics and the stigma about twins coming early.  Medical induction doesn't factor into the statistics of homebirth, and thank goodness for it.  I have been reminded repeatedly that it is a healthy body that is keeping them in so long; a blessing in disguise.  Knowing that doesn't make the days (or nights) feel any shorter (especially when they're riddled with heartburn.)  But I digress...

A huge factor was meeting the dad.  That was a big unknown that had to bear closure.  Part of me thinks I was (am) keeping them in so long until I know the safety of who's open arms they'll be going to.  I felt those connections being made in my heart as we sat down to lunch last week.  Do you know what he said?  As a highly successful doctor, he did not know what or whom he was working for.  The moment he found out I became pregnant, his work took on meaning.  He now knows he is working for his children.  He wants to keep them close and train them in the medical field; they will most likely be homeschooled.  As if that's not a small world.  He, himself, was born at home, another similarity that is too obvious to be written off as coincidence.  Being raised an only child, his twins will never know the loneliness he knew.  That is a blessing.

I was reminded that I have never given the birth with the pretense of having to say hello and shortly thereafter goodbye.  Could I be holding onto them for just a bit longer?  For where my journey ends, theirs begins.  I will use my postpartum period to compile a book for them, documenting our journey together, the pregnancy, birth, and my thoughts for them.  I will offer it to the father to share with them at his discretion.  It will be a part of my reflecting and subsequent closure.

If there is one thing I have learned in this journey it is this; Heavenly Father hears and answers my prayers.  He is watching over all, is more aware than I am aware of, and answers with greater blessings than I could ever anticipate.  My gratitude will be shown in the labor I perform to bring these two special spirits here.  He has answered the deepest desires of my heart in very specific and direct ways on this path and I have kept a mental tab of all the miracles He has performed.  When I have found myself in times of darkness, I have clung to the faith and been shown greater light.  One of my favorite quotes is "never doubt in darkness what God reveals in the light," and that has been very true on this journey.  I have had much to ponder in my heart.

Above all I am grateful to have had this experience, to have been chosen for this journey, and to bring this man and his family the gift of these two babies.  I don't know exactly what their journey will be from here, but I have a glimpse which is enough to give me peace of mind and to be excited for them.  I do know they will be well-traveled, well-trained, well-supported, have lots of love surrounding them, and be given many opportunities in life.  They will never go without.  They will know their story, and their upbringing will truly take a village.  I will always be available to them and have hope for visits.  They will always be "mine" in a sense as I will always be their surrogate mother, even if I never see them again.  My love and my energy will follow them for a lifetime.  At the same time I know there will be an art in letting go, for 'tis the nature of surrogacy.  There will be no strings attached. 

I am grateful to those who played a part in my journey; all those who served as instruments in the hands of the Lord, mouthpieces for the Spirit to whisper promptings to me and bring me to the head of this trail.  It is true that God hears our prayers, but often answers them through another person.  From those surrogates who have gone before, to my mentor and friend who gave me very specific referrals and led me to the agency who made the match, thank you.  I will also never forget the man in Round Table who showed me it would be okay to be matched with a single father.  That was a sign and a miracle for sure.  Where I fail to see the big picture, God fills in the missing pieces.  It is through faith in Him alone that I was able to complete this journey.

On a more practical level, I put my faith in the moon.  The family will be coming into town on Saturday and this Sunday marks the "super" full moon; the closest the moon will be to earth all year.  Maybe it takes a "super" full moon to bring twins earthside. :)  May the journey be safe, the cycle complete, and wisdom in the timing.