Why Babywise?

Raise your hand if you've seen this book:


It's been my experience that this book evokes one of two reactions in people:

(1) "Love it, live by it."

or

(2) (gasp) "I would never let my baby cry it out."

Is Babywise really black and white?

If so, what's black and what's white? Is the parent who allows his or her baby to "cry it out" negligent, or the parent who is still experiencing sleepless nights with a one or two-year-old misinformed?

Let's not judge so hastily.

I would like to share my experience with Babywise.

To those of you who don't know, On Becoming Babywise is somewhat of a self-help text, written by Doctor and parent Gary Ezzo, aimed at helping weary parents gently and naturally train their babies to sleep through the night. The book has had success with over 500,000 families.

My first experience with Babywise came shortly after my first daughter, Ashlee, was born. I was 18 at the time, going to college, and working part-time at a restaurant. Sleepless nights were not an option for me, yet I had a baby who would not sleep.

One night at work, a peaceful looking young couple sat at a table in my station, toting along their brand new baby. Striking a casual conversation, I asked the mom, "Does she sleep?"

"Oh yes," she replied, "about 8 hours a night."

Desperate to share in her wisdom, I asked how she did it. I'll never forget the glow on her face as she told me about "this wonderful book called Babywise." The very next day Forrest and I made the trek up to the second-hand bookstore in Placerville and plucked the only copy off the shelf. I could not afford one more lost night's sleep.

I don't think I have ever devoured a book so eagerly as I did then. I put the sleep schedule into practice immediately, kept it to a "T," and within days was relieved to be getting a regular 6 hour stretch of sleep. Over time, the 6 hours evolved into 8, then 12... and we never looked back.

That was then.

Chapter 2: Enter homebirth, midwives, and attachment parenting.

Anyone who knows anything about the philosophy of attachment parenting is privy to the fact that attachment parents don't let their babies cry... ever. Attachment babies feed on demand, get worn by their mothers most of the time, dictate the schedule and events of the day, and pretty much have their mothers at their beck-and-call. When I entered the realm of homebirth I really felt pressured into this new (for me) model of parenting. Some of it was rewarding, like babywearing and the confidence of knowing that I could be in-tune enough to recognize and respond to my baby's needs, but the theory behind letting your child dictate their night time sleep pattern never sat well with me. I was a Babywise mother, and I knew better.

To those who have not read the book, the premise is this: baby is put on a simple schedule, which is comprised of these events: feed, wake, sleep... in that order. This sequence of events allows baby to learn how to fall asleep on his own, eliminating the need to fall asleep to breast or bottle. A baby who learns the invaluable skill of self-soothing is able to sleep through the night.

The point of disputation in this book lies in the fact that it allows and even advocates for a little bit of crying during the process of sleep training, which is the factor that deters many parents. Here is what Ezzo has to say about the matter:

"Crying is a mechanism given by the Creator. For babies, it is one of the few ways they have to let us know of a need. What crying does for the parent hearing it is to arouse emotions that in turn stimulate the thought process leading to assessment. Mother's decisions without assessment can be dangerous. To deny the importance of careful assessment is to deny parents their role as leader. Leaders must be clear-headed and ready to make decisions. They should not be driven by their emotions."

-Babywise p. 150 (italics added)

Here are some reasons why Baby cries:
-he is hungry
-he is scared
-he needs to be held
-stress in the environment
-he is overstimulated
-pain
-he is tired

Attachment parents and demand-fed babies rely on the breast- for everything. However, if Baby is sick, soiled, overstimulated, or suffering from gas pains, food is hardly the answer. The danger in always offering baby the breast (or bottle) at each and every cry is that Mother is not able to assess and appropriately respond to the cause of the cry. All that mother is doing is quieting her child by stimulating his sucking reflex.

I think the hardest thing for me to hear is:

"I just can't let my baby cry."


That argument has about as much of a leg to stand on as, "I let my child have ice-cream before dinner because, well... he cried for it." Think of all the times a child will cry, and how many times we as parents have to make the decision we know is best for them despite their cries. A tired child will cry... for a good night's sleep, and it is a wise mother who discerns this need and gently but firmly directs her child to the appropriate solution- sleep. By routinely waking and tending to a child's every night-time call, we tire not only them but ourselves, and a tired mama does no good. What baby needs is a well-rested mother, not a martyr.

The fascinating thing is that after my experience with Ashlee, none of my other children have gone through a phase of crying in learning how to sleep through the night. In simply adhering to the eat-wake-sleep cycle of Babywise, they have all transitioned into a full-night's sleep on their own between 3 and 6 months of age with little to no crying. I have also learned to recognize an "I need something" cry from an "I'm half-awake and falling back to sleep" cry. I don't go in and pick up for the latter. However, I can't help but think of the many parents who would rush in and grab their infant at the first sign of distress, and spend the next half hour putting them back to sleep. If only they would have the confidence to give them 5 minutes...

So the next time you see something like this:

(can you believe they made it into a bumper sticker?)

Just smile- then shake your head. And know that you are the wise parent.


Thank you Babywise for a legacy of restful nights and happy children.

Like to read more? Click here for a further analysis of the Babywise philosophy.